Reflecting on Evolutionary Theory

How did the Anal Sphincter evolve?

Being that the colon's stools simply plopped out without warning upon arriving at the orifice at the far end of the anal canal, it made a horrible problem among those lingering thereabout. The lingerers became nauseous and could not tolerate the mess and stench, so they would get angry and kill the offender. They did this even though they themselves possessed the same evacuative apparatus. Thus they killed each other unless one was "wise" enough to self-isolate as much as possible from social contact. This led to an isolationist mentality. Besides the low birth rate from random murder, for eons this isolationism further enhanced the low birth rates among the polluters.

Despite the low birth rate, after some billions of years, give or take a few hundred milllion, a sphincter "happened" to develop ("mutate") as a "congenital defect" in some person or animal. This mutation came with the built-in feature of being able to be turned off and on, or rather, shut or open, under voluntary control. This discovery led to unexpected delight, for now isolation became an unnecessary strategy to live a longer life, for rather than having to flee for one's life, one need only clamp down. Other sphincter mutations, in contrast, left the sphincter closed all the time, and this killed the organism shortly after birth. ("Bloated, Not-So-Sudden Infant Death Syndrome").

Only those possessive of the mutated, functional sphincter could congregate with abandon. These sphincter-enabled people then joined forces, eventually becoming the upper class of society. Politically they created a "Non-Crapper" party, in opposition to the "Smelly" class. This upper crust of the species began to further differentiate itself as intelligent beings because the ability to congregate in turn gave them the ability to learn from each other. Finally, by reproducing among themselves only, avoiding wedlock with loose anuses, they became the majority and, eventually, removed all trace of the lowly class they derived from - by shameless genocide.